My Blog

I MISS YOU

What happened to us? we haven't talked or seen each other in the past years..but there were times when i wanted to talk to you but then i wondered, what would i say? how do you say hello when you've already said goodbye? or how do you ask how you are when you were absent most of the time? i know the answer wouldn't matter, because it's really not a question, just a statement. something people say when they've got nothing else to say...when time has separated them for too long, you feel like strangers again...

But i really wanna know how you are? what have you been doing these past years? did i cross your mind sometimes?...you have in mine, lately, most of the times. i find myself in a journey back to the times when we were still together...the laughter, the tears,being silly and not really worrying about the future...yes, the future, i guess that's what happened, we grew up and we grew apart...

And they told us growing up would be fun but this is not fun. you in your world and me in mine, i don't even know if i belong here? do you? it is really strange, the less i hear about you, the more i want to be with you...i miss you but the truth is, i missed the me i used to be when i was with you...

You always knew who i am, even when i show you my worst, you always had the patience to stay and wait for me to be normal again...you always say i'm not normal but you love me anyway and i always thought you're not human, to understand and accept me is beyond great...i miss you.

Back then everything was simple. it was just you and me and our music...yes, there was always a song that describes how we feel and now those same songs haunt me everytime i hear them...in the radio, in somebody's MP3, in the car or when somebody hums along with it? it feels like they knew and they tease me about it. but of  course, no one knew, it was just you and i...

i truly miss you...i wish things could go back to the way it once had been but that would be too immature of me, maybe even selfish because maybe you like your life right now, maybe you've completely forgotten, maybe it was nothing to you...but still, i miss you...

...WAITING...

I'll be waiting...

i hold you here in my heart. i've kept you here all this time. when they ask me if there's anyone, i tell them i'm waiting...but im waiting for you.

they think it's strange, why i'm always alone. they think it's weird, why i'm always at home. i should go out with Ken, Jim or EJ but i don't need these guys because really, i'm okay...

they don't understand that being alone doesn't mean i'm lonely because although were apart, you're always here with me...

i see you everywhere and i hear you in every song. i know in my heart that's where i belong. i smile when i remember just how lovely you are. i am beside you and you're here in my heart...

when i think of the distance, my heart bleeds. all these years that we're apart, i silently weep. i never want you to know that i'm in pain because the years i've spent on waiting were never in vain...

there is no suffering, just sacrifice. it's the one thing i have to do before you finally realize. all this time, all these years that i've been waiting for you...you've been hoping...longing and waiting for me too...

coffee? tea? or me...

okay so what do you say to a guy you really like? really after all these years, i still haven't figured this out...i mean, i don't want him to think am dying for his attention bec. really, when i like someone that's the last thing i would want to get...but i at least want him to care. to at least let him go like "oh there's that girl with that cute smile"(hahaha...i wish) anyway...i've been ignoring him for this past week bec i was really scared he would find out and then that would really be equivalent to some public humiliation but then i realized that i might have come across as a snob. i mean, i say hello to everyone, except him. i ask somebody else about something when he's right there in front of me...does it really matter if he would find out...it's just a crush,right?nothing serious...or is it? oh well, i've been obsessing pretty much about this, which is NOT a good sign at all. when i start to obsess about things like this, i lose my cool and almost witty self,thus making me look dumb and clueless, NO!!! i refuse to go back that way again, not if i can help it. since when did i start liking him anyway?hmmmm...maybe it was when he saved me a seat and a dessert and i just thought not many guys do that esp. to a girl they hardly knew...and there was that time when he smiled at me and it just hit me that when he smiles he looks like a movie star even for just a fraction of a second...hahaha. anyway he does exactly that...he makes me smile. i just look at him and i'm in cloud 9 (like i know where that is...hehehe) and when he's not around i feel like Holly Golightly when she lost her cat "Cat" in Breakfast at Tiffany's...i've been singing a different tune these days too. i find myself humming to Swept Away and Can't Smile Without You...oh,it's crazy but in a good way. bec now i have something to look forward to, some ticklish feeling with the anticipation that we might actually meet ,hehehe,i feel highschool all over again which is kinda sweet actually...but anyway that's not really the problem...the problem is what do i say to him when we meet again? i have to say something or else he might start thinking that i must have cut my tongue and gone mute or that i'm anti social...actually the two sounds okay rather than him finding out that i have a crush on him...but i still want him to care. so what should i say?how should i say it? Coffee...Tea...or me? yuck! really cheeezy!

For Rainy Days...

I wish you were here

it's raining outside but i don't feel cold

i still remeber how we used to talk for hours over nothing...just everything about anything

it would be nice to hear your voice again...

I wish you didn't go

i would have waited for you had you asked or hinted...

it was too much of course, knowing we might never see each other again

after a year i'd be gone, after this, there's nothing else

I wish i had made up my mind...

am i still scared? what about you?

you never said anything but you showed me a lot more

I wish we still had more time...

if only to talk for hours,

if only for memories to last a bit longer

for rainy days, when it's pouring down heavily and i don't feel cold...

Emotions just are...

i borrow this phrase from a friend who's hurting right now. though strong and sensible, my friend cannot be numb on how she feels, after all she is a woman and women by nature are emotional. Men would call this a weakness but i strongly believe that it is one of our greatest strenghts.emotions make us grounded, make us human. no matter how great or successful a person can be, it would mean nothing when you don't have any connection of something or someone that will enable you to share that success. and this is the reason why my often viewed as fearless, strong and determined woman friend cried and succumb to her emotions. her supposed to be doting boyfriend doesn't get it, he never does and instead of giving her support, he would fuss about it and question my friend's emotions. he thinks it's too much drama. i think he's full of bull! he doesn't get my friend when they've already been together for years! and he doesn't get women, for that matter. why, he never should be allowed to be with one if he can't understand a woman. if he wanted to have an unemotional partner he should start looking for a plastic person because even men can be very emotional and yet they have a weird way of showing it. instead of letting it out through a constructive communication with another human being, they drown it over a bottle of vodka or what have you's. some would even pick a fight in order to project the anger and sadness that they feel. men simply refuse to feel. and what do they realize when the morning after comes? nothing. not even the slightest bit of light would shed upon them if they refuse to acknowledge that emotion. with us women, the only thing we've wasted is a box of tissue. after pouring it out on a heartfelt cry, we are once again ready to face the world. of course the problem is still there but at least we are ready to face it now, head on. i truly wish that no woman would allow a man to belittle herself  out of being emotional. women are emotional(PERIOD). if a man can't get that then show him the door! i sincerely hope my friend would realize this one too.

still on emotions. i finally showed up for my doctor's appointment long overdue. when i heard what the doctor had to say, i couldn't stop the tears from falling down my eyes. and for the first time in my life, i allowed a man to see me cry. emotions just are. his medical advice took me by surprise. i've always seen myself as a healthy person. why, i don't smoke, drink, party all night and i eat right. but even the doctor don't know how such things happen. so, i told him i need to think it through even if i already knew what had to be done. i just needed time to let it all sink in, that's all. i am afraid, this is going to be truly difficult for me. but the doctor's very competent, i have other people to attest to that. but this is major for me. another one of my firsts. and though some men might think i am being too much of a drama on this. i can't help it. i am a woman. emotions just are for me...

THAT GUY

they say that everyone has that one person that they will always dream about. it could be a highschool crush, a childhood friend, a college classmate or it could just be some random guy you met at a party. nothing special really but then...you spark a conversation. "Mr. I never met you before" suddenly becomes "Mr. I'm starting to like you because your full of substance and sense of humor". you find your bored self entertained and interested. you just hope he feels the same way. well, he could be, he should be, why else would he stay and talk with you for over an hour if he wasn't. and as the night draws to an end you start wishing, hoping and praying that he would ask for your number...but he didn't. and you didn't. you wanted to but something kept you...so you said your goodbyes and hope against hope that someday, you will see eachother again...but days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months without a single sign of the guy...That Guy.

How could you explain such complexities? and how can you forget such rendezvous? here is another mystery of life. the one person you felt a connection with just happened to conveniently pop up once and just once. soon you meet other people, other guys but no one ever came close to that guy. you finally realized that he has ruined you...have you ruined him as well?

Hopefully, i didn't just ruin my chance, hopefully none of us did. if somethings meant to be, it would happen...naturally. but we were both hesitant then, maybe because we're both not ready...i know i'm not. not this time anyway. so i'll make myself ready. go out. meet someone or maybe even break someone if i have to. it's all part of it. until finally i meet him again. the same one that sparked my interest. the same one that came very close, so close and maybe this time i'm ready,he's ready and we won't let the moment pass by without having to make sure that we won't miss each other again...

to be continued....

Come See Me Again

Show yourself to me

When you've made up your mind

We don't need to talk about the past

Just be thankful for our meeting

I don't want to say

What took you so long?

But indeed you have kept me waiting

And I'm so glad for your return

Let's not dream about the length of our time together

It will spoil everything and I just want to be with you

Nothing else matters

I'll forget that such thing is impossible

Whatever happens, happen

But can you just bring me a single white rose?

I want our meeting to be romantic

For once, let's be silly and not care at all...

When you have the time and finally thought things through

When your schedule permits

I'll be wating where you left me

So come see me again...will you?

What a girl wants

how many times have i been asked the reason why i am still single? if truth be told, i don't know either. believe it or not i have actually considered getting married at an early age but that was years ago when i was still naive and starry eyed. things are different now.things have changed. i finally woke up from a dream and realized that in real life, a happily ever after only comes once in a lifetime, that is, if you're lucky...no, i don't mean to say that the guys i've been in the past were total jerks, they were nice, one was too good to be true even but, and that's a big BUT, something was always missing...chemistry, i think that's what they call it.

i don't really mind being single. it's convenient even. you know, i am able to do anything i want without worrying or i can sleep at night without wondering why this guy hasn't called when he said he will. as i always say, i love my peace and quiet. so why am i writing this?

on my way home from work, i got a text message from a close friend telling me about her nth break-up with her beau. i gave her the same lines that i have been so accustomed to giving her everytime she comes to me for comfort with her "break-up blues". i asked her why won't she just decide to leave this guy for good when he's always breaking her heart. and she just told me, that if she leaves him, then how else will her heart be whole again when he's the only one who can bring the pieces back together. i wanted to say stupid! but i kept my mouth shut. it wasn't the time to play the devil's advocate. then she asked me a question that left me thinking even up to this very hour. she asked me why i am still single. is it because i can't get what i want or that i'm scared that i would actually get what i want but wouldn't know what to do in case i lose it?...yes, she got me there.

My good friend Jill's favorite words where relationships are concened is this "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" and she'd always say to love someone like he's "the one" for you...but Jill is the brave one...i am, well, the coward. like i said in my previous entry, i would always play on the safe field even in matters of the heart. which made me realize that i have actually compromised a lot because i wanted to feel safe. i am scared of being pained.

so between my friend who's always had her heart broken, who never seems to get tired of the break-up and then make-up scene, who's used a lot of tissues in the process and me, who's never cried over someone, who's always safe and secured, who's never had to go through a tearful break-up...who do u think is the better person? i wish i could say it's me...but i don't really know.

BAD SIGNS (how 2 know if ur dating a bad boy)

I was "trying" to clean my room the other day but I got hooked on reading old poems, letters and cut-outs from way back in my schooling years...here's one that's quite interesting and actually helped me out too...read on, so u'll know what I mean...(*/,*)

                                SIGNS YOUR DATING A BAD BOY!!!

1.He's way too smooth

if he kisses you goodnight and says, "I hope to relive this moment a thousand times" or "It was my pleasure to take out the most beautiful woman in the city" (both real lines, laid on real women, some of whom you should know personally). you're dealing with a bad boy. Bad boys tend to be overly endowed in the charm and charisma department, and have a knack for making women feel really special. here's the litmus test for figuring out  if his moves are BB material: when he says something romantic,you believe it; when you repeat it later to your girlfriends, they fall over laughing.

2. He's got a sketchy living situation

He's vague about his address ('I'm kinda crashing with a friend for a few weeks until this great sublet comes through"). or he lives in a studio that's unfurnished except for a mattress on the floor; one towel, and an elaborate stereo system. or he never invites you to his place, and is always happy to go to yours. Bad boy!

3. He doesn't have a phone

Or he never answers it. or he has a cell phone but it's always off. you find yourself leaving longer messages on his various voicemails.

4. It's never his fault

A bad boy never says he's sorry (for being late, letting you down or standing you up) because, honestly, it wasn't his fault. life is crazy! and s**t happens. especially to him.

5. He's got lots of toys

For a guy who could carry the contents of his apartment on his back, he has an eye-opening array of, um, playthings in his bedside table drawers.

6. He's had a very few relationships

When you ask him if he's ever been seriously involved with someone, he looks devastated. yes, in fact, he did have one major relationship. they met at a record shop and dated for almost a month. but it's OK. that was nine years ago- and he's pretty sure his over it.

7. He's a musician

He used to be in a band, or he's currently in a band or he's about to be in a band. he might play the drums or the sax, but most likely he plays guitar or bass. he probably drives a van, or just sold his van, or has a friend who drives a van or is about to have a friend who drives a van.

hahahahahaha.....;P

Memoirs of a Geisha

When I saw the movie, I was even more convinced that I have been born in the wrong era. To my friends, this is nothing new for even they have told me this a couple of times. I find pleasure in listening to old music, even jazz. Old songs also are more appealing to me than the new ones. I think that they have more honesty, as if I know exactly how the writer feels. How many times have I watched “Robin Hood”, “Braveheart”, “Pride and Prejudice” and thought how wonderful it would have been if I was amongst those people, and I don’t really care if I were to become a peasant girl or a princess.

The past really intrigues me. It is so much different than the time that we have now. People in those times value courage, honor, truth, fidelity, friendship and love. People these days however, prefer fame, fortune, social status, practicality, lust and other worldly attributes. Modern people say much and mean too little.

Yes, I do feel that I am an old soul trapped in the present times. This is sometimes to my advantage and sometimes too, to my disadvantage. Because like other old souls, I forget that I am in a different time. I cannot expect honesty from everyone. I should not be surprised when someone is being insincere and I cannot hope to find true love…in times such as ours…that is asking too much.

Perhaps, I’ll forever be a hopeless romantic fool. In love with something impossible to happen. In love with the past. Truth is, this is where I belong now, old soul as I am. And though this has been my fate, I will not let it consume me. I will not change who I am for what others think I should be. I will not lose my faith in honor, truth, fidelity, friendship and love. No matter how foolish, no matter how hopeless it may seem.